Friday, November 15, 2013

Lost Angeles.

It's bee a while since I've returned the the left coast and this time it's under a crumbling liberal administration. I mean don't get me wrong, I dont give a shit about either party or their governance. We are likely doomed regardless of the next eloquent speech reader, or Reaganesque gray hair. So let's rock it for a couple of days in one of the most fucked up cities in America. 

I have to travel from LAX to downtown which is about 10 miles and it will take an hour and a half. Once I get there and checked in, the "transient navigation plan" will come into play to avoid getting shot,  stabbed or robbed (or all three, called a downtown trifecta). Bars come in two categories, uptight and barely surviveabIe. I will intentionally choose uptight but not before finding a Mexican roadside joint that makes Cali style burritos. 

The Carne Asada burrito to those who grew up on them is like rice to a Somalian; death can occur without it. I pledge I will only eat this style of Mexican food for every meal while I'm in this ceas pool of a city. Ok, ok, a bit harsh, LA rocks like most American big cities and I know it. Just because I'm down town doesn't mean Malibu is not available or Pasadena. What the fuck happened to Hollywood and Glendale?  A blind person would think they were in Rostov, Russia or Baku, Azerbajian. So I can't get fucking gas without my card being skimmed?  Fine, I'll walk or grab a cab- wait, once again, my card will be skimmed. 
Don't laugh (or be pissed), it's true. I found this Mexican joint attached to a car wash. This is exactly what I desire. It's packed. Every orange vested road worker in LA is in line for the tamale special. Not me, I'll have the Carne Asada burrito with several plastic cups of peppery hot sauce and a glass of horchata. Incredible!  Perfect! Thank you!  $5. 

Los Angeles is not uptight like the NY.  Besides a couple of shakers and some rioting, Los Angelen's have enjoyed a rather unauspicious upbringing unless you live by USC or in the Valley. When I moved to middle America in a town with 25,000, it was an escape from Southern California to an extent. Returning for business is both a vacation and a return home. Three days will be plenty to remind me why I left, perpetual illegal immigration, 6 hour patient waiting room lines with posted signs stating "if you don't have the money to pay, we will still treat you..." , grid lock like China in a smog bank, housing prices that don't match the available jobs and well I digress...

But back to the not having to pay part.  When I used to get to the window in an unexpected ER visit, no such admonishment was read to me?  Instead, I hand over my insurance card which costs me $17,000 a year and a co-pay.  Then I go sit and wait, counting how many persons seeking the illegal American dream are told they don't have to pay. Another thing, if I don't pay, will my child be seen?  If i don't pay, they can easily find me and garnish my wages or ding my credit. If Juan Carlos Sanchez Guerrero doesn't pay, he walks.  I mean I'm glad his toddler just had heart surgery and all at Children's, but my flu shot just cost $600 factoring in my annual visit frequency and annual premiums. 

So onto Obamacare which solves for my Mexican friend but not for me. I don't even care anymore and wouldn't comment further if it were not so damn funny.  I have resolved to making $200k a year and sending 50% back to Washington,  It's the price I pay for trying. Most would say, I'm lucky and therefore they are owed a similar amount of luck. Obamacare is brilliant. At this juncture (the initial emploding of the program and his administration) it's so fucked up I have garnered the opinion that "problems" are a diversion for the real plan. There has not been a mistake with a website rather the first of a series of calamities that are a means to an end.  Create a bigger problem then revert to the "too big to fail" clause and in an 11th hour crisis, deploy an even more expensive mindbend on the peeps with a cost that was never advertised. The poor won't give a shit because they are in the 6 hour line just getting through the you don't have to pay paragraph. They love the government and Obama.  They will love the next fool who campaigns on give aways. (As would I if I were poor)

But seriously, who advised on this? It wasn't that qwerky puma Sibileus was it?  There is no way in the world she has ever contributed to any thoughtful program or governance strategy. Instead, she is the political classes version of entitlement. Like all dems and all conservatives in elected roles, leadership is not rewarded at the voting booth anymore, only give aways are. But can you blame them? Security of their pension and a life of healthcare ( not obamacare ), a healthy schedule of dinners and events, maybe a carefully produced 60 Minutes piece broadcast to 14,000 baby boomers?  Wait, this is governance-just keep telling the ignorant and scared the next iteration will work?  Boehner is classic too. Dude plays tough guy for as long as he can before having to rescue the room at or near midnight by caving in on 60 years of team building and policy establishment. He know's though.  His party is as negligible as freedom is in Iraq. As popular as a Koran in southern Missouri.  A pary that will never hold presidential office again with it's legacy of ideals. 

I always have said after experiencing a certain amount of mingling with government officials that you either give the mutants what they want or they will eventually become a liability to the extent you will spend more money trying to dissuade their aid and needle exchanges than you will providing the billions of dollars in social programs.  We are there now, can't afford the programs and can't piss them off, so tax the fuckers who just got one of the new $100 bills!

All great democracies have fallen.

A Tecate from a can with salt and a lime seems like the back end of food bank line but with Carne Asada tacos and hot carrots? There will be no Bookers on this trip and I love that shit. I won't drink PBR because before frat dudes who shave their balls declared its cool factor, my late dad bought it because it was $3.50 a case with a $5 rebate at Alpha Beta. I will look for Sol, Carta Blanca and Negra Modelo in honor of the 23,000 opportunity seekers that have crossed the San Ysidro border since I started writing this rant. I will toast to every ICE agent and 23 year old Border Patrol Officer who is ducking from gunfire right now while his or her boss is just making the turn at Torrey Pines with a federal delegation in town to declare the border safe.  And when I'm done with my breakfast, I will seek out a 60 ring gauge Honduran cigar to puff my way throughout the streets of Los Angeles trying to avoid the LAPD because it's a felony to smoke in public in Kalifornia. 

Look, it's easy to generalize in a blog and not be held responsible for my self publishing empire. But maintaining a blog site dedicated to home brewing, food and cigars gets old after a while and a healthy rant is good for the mind, like therapy that doesn't require a co-pay. 

Now if I can just figure out how to lower my blood pressure without a prescription...

So what we've covered is all over the place. A food and beer trip evolved into a government rant because, California reminds me of why we have lost our future. As I'm tapping on this iPad, I've concluded the trip and need to review some key points and reveal that my original stated plan became as screwed up as obamacare. 

First of all, cheap Mexican beer never made it to my lips. Instead, it was that damn Bookers that continued to populate my bill. Laziness became the guiding factor as the lush and empty bar at the Sheraton became night ones watering hole. I get most of my elixirs on the rocks.  My Russian friend gets so pissed off at me because he believes you get less of a pour. All I know is, I like the ice and this bartender was filling to the rim!  After two, it was starting to feel like a 16 hour travel day.  A bit sleepy but starving. Our waitress recommended an Asian fusion joint called "Woc-something" around 7th and Hope and we hit it. Unbelievable sushi and a Mongolian beef dish that just won the day for me. Two Sapporos and some miso and we were back to the hotel. 

Day two was the work day but only til about four  o'clock and then our delegation of government officials led us thru a dignitaries pub crawl. First up, an Irish bar called Casey's with a subway level patio reserved for cigar smokers. Here's where it gets interesting.  It's the Black and Tans and Jameison deal but out comes a 40 year old Kentucky bourbon the house decided to treat us to. How can this be?  That's got to be a $100 fill right? It was like vapor. Just the slightest sting followed by nothing.  Unbelievable. My stick was also a movie star. A Xicar, maduro 6x48.  First puff exactly like the last which burned my thumb. If a roach clip was available, I would have kept smoking it. 

Next up The Standard, a roof top bar 400 feet into the nighttime sky in the heart of the city. It's November and it's 83 degrees, an ironic reminder of why so many people live here. But really, we have already lifted 4 Black and Tans, two rounds of Jameison and the bourbon. So now what?  This crowd is uptight but at the same time mellow as couples lie in outdoor cabanas and naked chicks swim in the neon pool. Ok not totally naked but very close. There are no chairs, instead, everything is a couch with a slanted back so your only option is to lay down or sit uncomfortably with your elbows on your knees. This sucks for a bunch of dudes. No one knows what to do. You can't just recline and keep talking about decades of cop stories. It feels gay. I sat on a planter while yet another round of Bookers came out. 
So anyway, beautiful people everywhere and time for the nerds to head down and look for another place to pile onto the last two. We end up at a place called, The Library Bar. Now it's Hefeweisen and these burgers that were so good I'm not sure I've had better. This place is crowded but we get seated and chow down hard to try and help filter the $600 in booze we have just gone through at the last two stops. As we get back to the hotel and pass the lounge our waitress asks if we found the Asian place and if we wanted another round of bookers.  Yeah, no.  

The next morning is ugly but not that ugly. I'm up and running and starving. I'm pretty sure one credit card is still at The Library which doesn't open til 3 and I'm on the plane at 130. I'm craving horrible food and what do I see? A Carls Junior. Yep, I'm going hard at this joint. As I wrap up this rant, I'm compelled to tell you that what I originally dispised about this state became front and center again. Here is this mall based Carls Junior that has to be the biggest CJ in the world and there are 15 transients in line counting pennies at the register to get one $.99 cheeseburger. Oh it gets weirder. A six foot eight tranny is asking to see the manager and another geriatric dude in a walker is ordering a pitcher of beer at the register. I'm thinking what dip shit orders a pitcher of beer from a Carls Junior at eight in the morning?  Boy am I the schmuk when the cashier hands this filthy transient a fucking pitcher of beer!  Wtf?  Their serving pitchers of beer to transients at a Carls Junior!  The transvestite finally gets a manager and inquires about a job while he/she eats the 99 cent special and drips all over the ground. I haven't even ordered yet and I feel like taking another shower. But mild hangover wins and I order.  It sucked.  

So Lost Angeles is 1700 miles behind me now. I would rate the trip from a booze/food/cigar perspective as great. The work part was productive and I'm still very happy I left the state when I did. My travel schedule is about over unless I get tapped for a lovely China, India, Brazil boondoggle. Rest assured, if i do, we will chat again. 

UPDATE- My card was skimmed and drained in Texas as I flew back to simpletown...fuck LA!




 

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